To be Fathomless

Thank You

2009-01-25T06:21:00.004+09:00

Maybe I'll just write a big list of things I want to thank you for.

Like, thank you for being a refuge from my bad dream this morning.

Thank you for pulling me outside of myself enough to see myself as something more worthwhile than I used to see me.

Thank you for listening to my crazy rambling thoughts, for being willing to take me undiluted, and intense. Thank you for being someone I can be myself with.

Thank you for coming up with the truth or dare game and playing it with me the other morning, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It was so much fun. I always have fun with you.

Thank you for believing the best in me, for understanding the worst in me, for taking me as something whole, and not just the parts that are convenient, the parts that are smooth and shining.

Thank you for being such a support and anchor in my life. For so long I have felt tossed about and overwhelmed by everything. You are strong, and save me. You give me something to hold on to. You keep my head above the water when I can't hold it there myself.

Thank you for growling at me, and teasing me, and making me crazy about you like I have never been crazy about anyone.

Thank you for sending me songs, in those quiet moments of conversation when it is hard to express the depths of feeling in another way. Thank you for listening to all the crazy silly mushy things I send you.

Thank you for your time, for spending so much of it so freely with me. The most precious thing I have, other than you, is time with you.

Thank you for not letting go of me, especially those few times when I have instinctively pushed away. For showing me that there are so many things that I don't have to be afraid of.

Thank you for the warm comfort of the space you have given me in your heart. For the contentment, the perfect feeling of falling asleep knowing that I am loved. Knowing that "somewhere out there, someone's thinking of me, and loving me" like the song says.

Thank you for playing with me, for running around on Wow and Warhammer being silly, for all the /licks and /kisses. That one day at the beginning, when I dragged you around with me, and we took the long way to get under Stormwind...and I remember the server going down, and thinking, Aw, damn. I don't want to stop playing. I didn't want to be away from you, even for fifteen minutes. And as silly as that may seem, I think that's when I realized that I really, really liked you.

That weekend playing Xbox, and then just talking, and talking for hours, not wanting to go to sleep unless you did.

And then those few days afterward, before I moved back home. I remember how hard it was to turn my computer off and pack it up. I spent my flight home thinking about you, wondering what I had gotten myself into, falling in love with you that fast. I didn't want you to be one of my obsessions, a flame that burns bright, but burns too fast. But I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't think I could be in another relationship. Little did I know what waited for me here, at this point on our road. Little did I know what still waits for me. I never imagined that we would be where we are today, that it would be with you that the future would stretch long before me. But it is, and I am more grateful for that and for you, just you, than anything else.

Thank you for bearing the weight of waiting with me. There's a quote, "Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." I love the comfort, of knowing with you, that what we have is a great fire.

Thank you for being closer to me, further away from me, than anyone has ever been close to me. For making me feel the security and softness of your love even though our arms right now are empty.

I love you, tiger. With a depth of love that makes those first days of our love seem so much smaller in comparison. And that awes me with the potential that it has to become.

Thank you for giving me, and being, something to look forward to. A tomorrow to reach for, instead of dread. Thank you for wanting me, for needing me, exactly the way I want and need you.

Thank you forever.

Insights...

2009-01-24T07:42:00.002+09:00

I'm sitting here watching you sleep as I write this. I didn't imagine it could be any harder to be away from you, but watching you there alone, with a space beside you where I could fit so easily... It makes me burn with an ache to be with you that twists even sharper in the ache of being away from you that was already there.

I watch the rise and fall of your chest, the relaxed contours of your face, and want so much more to have my arms wrapped around you, to feel your warm scalp against my fingertips as they comb soft through your dark hair. To whisper sweet things in your ear to see if I can make you smile, even while you're dreaming.

All I want to do, all the time, is tell and show you how much you mean to me.

I never intended to love you. I never expected anything to come from those few times we spoke and interacted. Oh what a short journey it has been to get to this point! I stand here on a peak, seeing the short, surprised path behind me and, turning, I see sure steps ahead where for the longest time there were none.

Everything about you, I adore. I love the way the sound of your low laughter tingles down my spine long after you've stopped laughing. When you smile with just the corner of your mouth, or flick your eyebrow at me without meaning to. I love the immeasurable expanse of your thoughtfulness, the deep roots of your loyalty, of your concern and protective care of the things that mean so much to you. I love your quick wit, the smart way you say things. I love that there's a poet in you, a writer, whose eloquence and depth of thought are both profound and provocative. I love that you laugh easily, and laugh long. I love that simple, silly things put a smile on your face. I love the indefinable emotion that strikes true the fibers of my heart when you tell me that you love me, so much. I love how you never leave a moment without expressing to me in some way the things that I mean to you. I love how sincere and genuine you are with me, how unafraid you are to be yourself with me. I love that the sum of the things you say and do, the things that you don't need to say, and the things that you intend to do, lift me up and light the corners of me that have felt dark for so long.

You have already done more for me than you will ever know, been more to me these past months than anyone has ever been, given me precious memories and moments that no one can ever take from me.

I realize, in this quiet moment as you sleep, I have been overcome with with gratitude for you. With an awed acknowledgment of your impact on my life. I feel humbled, blessed, and reverent when I think about you. You are all that I cherish. You are more to me than myself or anything else. You are my light and my goodness. You are my joy.

Thank you. I love you. I want and need you. Always.

Filling the cracks.

2009-01-17T00:53:00.005+09:00

Lets play a game, just you and me, no one else has to know. It has no rules, it has no board, it has no pieces to move. There is no winner or loser, no prizes to win.
What's the point, right?
There is no point to it....other then the point we make to ourselves.
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It's harder, then I thought it would be.....this US, this beautiful thing we are. But not hard in the sense you think it would be, or should be. It's not hard to love you.....oh god no, love is the easiest part, the part I do the most, the part I do all the time.
It's not hard to know you, to really know you. Knowing who you are, knowing you like no one else does, is something I cherish, is the thing I can gladly say I am most thankful for.

No, by far, the hardest part of us, is watching you struggle, to be who you so desperately want to be, who you now know you can be.
I know your secrets, I know your pain, I see how you wear it like a second skin, when you curl back into it, it's old shell a comfort in your uncertainty.
It haunts you, relentlessly, always there, even in your happiest moments it lingers......ready to drag you back to the safety of it's darkness when things become too familiar.
I have walked with you through your memories, when you shared your most intimate vulnerabilities with me, and I see how your pain, the hurt, wraps around you like a cloak, a barrier against the close things you don't want to break, or be broken by.

I don't see the hurt as much as you feel it, you have always had a loving face and a bright smile, for anyone looking in your direction. They don't see the underneath, they don't see it because you hide it so well, they don't see it because not only you don't let them, but because they wouldn't look that deep even if you did.

I do,
I see it.

I'm not here to save you, although I so desperately want to. It tears me apart that I can't free you from your fears, your pain. I could not take away that which makes you the you I love, the experiences of your life shape you.
I can not and will not pretend for you that it is not there, and try to be happy in our ignorance. To pretend we build something meaningful on solid ground, when the foundations were cracking from the start.
Only you can stop the cracks.
I am not your mortar, I would crumble to dust. I am not the trowel you apply yourself to them with, I would break against their rough edges. I am the dream of a house that will one day stand on solid footings.....for you to live in, safely, free of fear and full of love.

So I will continue to love you, like I do, so completely, that you don't have to worry about new cracks forming, so you can focus on filling the old.
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QUOTE

"I love you, all of you, the insecurities, the echos of who you are or were. The you i see is inside, surrounded by the things that hurt you, and i want nothing more then to throw on my shining armor and hack my way past them all to rescue you. But i know, that in the end, all you need is my sword, a strong arm, and someone to keep pace, as you free yourself." - me

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My love for you is endless, and I will walk this road with you, so you never have to travel alone.

Flames

2009-01-13T08:26:00.001+09:00

If, your loving touch, slowly
set my skin on fire,
i would blissfully, spend the
rest of my life, turning to ashes.
If, your gentle kiss, stole the
breath from me,
my chest would cry, and never take another,
happy to give you something so unique.
I am yours,
your rock,
your protection,
the Kevlar vest you wear,
to soften the emotional bullets,
that too many times have pierced your fragile heart.
The reaching hand that pulls you back from the edge.
The one heart that has enough love to match your own.
You love consumes me in flames, and for once in my life,
i am not afraid to burn.

Un-falling

2008-12-18T12:29:00.003+09:00

Soaring, into blue skies,
i feel you, you are like,
sweet sounds of a
lovers delight.
Wrapped in blankets
of uncertainty, you
destroy the layers, that
would save me should
i crash and fall.
Naked now in your
embrace, i feel exposed,
your disarming of my
heart leaves me scared.

The ground, is a hard
place to land, on
borrowed wings.

Constriction.

2008-12-09T10:35:00.002+09:00

It is hard, to love you from far away. Every day a guessing game as to whether I will feel an abundance of affection or neglect. Things spiral out of your control and conspire to keep us apart, but that doesn't make living with this constriction any easier by knowing.

You have a life you live, as do I. Yours is a life full of motion, wanted or not, and keeps your attention fixed on the real, the touchable. My life flows to my rhythm, my thoughts, my time. I make what is unreal my reality, my touchable things feel so cold without your presence to ignite my passion for them. I feel like I'm standing still, your face staring out the window of the bus, that I couldn't run fast enough to catch.

You spend time with me at every chance, and for that I am eternally grateful, but the times you go without a trace, a sign, a clue, leaves me hollow..... out of breath, claustrophobic in my nothingness.
I am the dirty secret in your life, that you have to conceal from the authority of your domain lest I be expunged forcefully from your atmosphere. Hidden from the view of prying eyes, covered with frosted glass to blur my details, leaving me nothing more then "someone" to someone else's perception.

I accept what is done because of what is to come, the brave face and reassuring words at your reappearance I hold onto for dear life. My heart screams at me, to open my mouth and say things to you to make you understand just how i feel every time you blink out of my life. But i could not bring myself to say that i am jealous of the people in your life, taking your presence for granted, knowing you, being able to touch you, their total lack of understanding and appreciation that they have something in their life more precious to me then my own ...... to do so would be a betrayal of who I want to be for you.

So i sit, and i wait, time meanders around me, past me, through me, never taking me with it.

I try to reach out for you, every chance I get. A short note here, an expression of love there. Again I wait, I wait for you to acknowledge me, and through the bustle of your life I get lost in the confusion.
It feels like playing Marco Polo in the ocean, but I am not blind folded, I cannot lift the veil to peak, to find you the easy way. I have no eyes, I have no ears. You may be shouting Polo at the top of your lungs, but i wander the ocean aimlessly, arms outstretched, trying to feel my way back to you, missing you by scant inches for your cries never reach me.

I think of you while you sleep, every moment that passes is another closer to seeing you again. I write for you as you dream, slipping a folded napkin scrawled with love from my heart into your gently curled fingers, so that when you wake, you find that i am still loving you. When I wake, I check under my pillow to see if you sent me a letter, a note, a post-it sticker with a shopping list of emotional groceries i will need for the day ahead, only to find a mailbox full of cobwebs and dust. Everyday life strikes again.

I am torn. I am split between wanting to tell you all of this, and wanting to keep it to myself. I don't want it to seem that I think you don't try, because I know that you are, so fiercely. We are fighting two different battles. You, you fight against reality. You fight against things you cannot escape, against things that drag you away from the closeness of my heart. I fight against the non-real, the imaginary, the fictional. I fight against my own insecurities. I fight against the overwhelming loss I feel in your absence, and the monster it becomes in my mind as the minutes roll into hours.
I cannot compete with your reality, the fight it rigged. I look upon it as an ant squaring off against a frog. I could sting it, bite it, cause it pain.....but eventually I am just going to be eaten, snuffed out, digested and then discarded as the frog moves ponderously on, unphased and disinterested.

So I sit back and watch as your life moves along, waiting patiently. Throwing pebbles against your window late at night from the street below. Waiting for the girl I love to sneak out of the house, to be with me while her parents are blissfully asleep.

Quick, but heart felt poems.

2008-12-08T07:17:00.005+09:00

Here is a poem I wrote while whittling away long hours at work, it is for my amazing girlfriend. I love you gorgeous.

I, the sun.

Love swept fire, skin's embrace,
it's heat surrounding your defenseless
vulnerabilities.
Echos of old scars fade,
new love binds fractured foundations
of abused emotions.

Fear no more,
the touch of anothers rays

Changing skies split the grey
of your solitude, no more pain at fare welling
an ever setting sun.
One rises now.
Just for you, hanging on a whisper,
never heard, not mistaken.

Undying love from souls depth,
greets you as you wake,
a brightness waits to fill your life,
all you need do is
breathe.

Speechless.

2008-12-06T01:29:00.003+09:00

Have you ever had the feeling of your throat constricting so tight that you cannot even swallow? Like the feeling of when you are in distress so much your throat burns in anguish as tears well in your eyes, you feel like you are drowning?
It's how i feel every time i talk to you, we say the usual things that get us by, but nothing is ever really said.
I burn to ask you things that i want to know, and i long to tell you things that you should as well. But i cannot, i do not know why. Every time the words threaten to spill from my lips i swallow them hard, scared that to utter them to you may change what we hold so closely to our hearts.
When you are with me, no matter how hard i try, i can not force them from their cage. Nothing is really stopping me except myself, my anticipation of your reaction or fear of your answer hold me back. I know that it shouldn't, for you are the most understanding and open person i know.

I want to talk to you about everything, anything.....but i seem to just fall over myself and sit there grinning at you, making small talk so that you stick about long enough that if i ever was to grow a spine, you'd be there.

It's hard to imagine, unless you're actually in this situation, that a relationship such as ours can move so fast.....and yet so slowly. We know we're in love, and we both want to be totally open and forthright in our willingness to show who we are. There are so many things about you that leave me speechless, your love leaves me gasping for the air to even begin to form sounds that resemble recognized syllables, and your words leave my mind blank of my own thoughts, i sit there going over them in my head again and again before a neutron farts in the back of my skull and i slowly come back to cognitive reasoning.

I feel that is the distance between us that makes me unsure of myself. The ease at which all contact could be severed plays on my mind with every word i type. If i make a mistake, there is no second chance....if i move too fast and ask you the wrong question, or the right one too soon, I'm scared that you may disappear. I hold so tight to something that statistically should never be, that is why i bite my tongue. You light up every day of my life, and even tho i may say nothing......inside i am a torrent of happiness and joy at just knowing you are mine. I wait for you, all the time....sometimes for hours on end just for you to tell me, one last time before i sleep, that you love me. And in my dreams, i ask you everything, and hold back nothing......and you are always there. In my dreams, i don't shut up.

The tired nightgowns and robes fraying.

2008-12-05T04:25:00.003+09:00

Empty shelves with empty books,
empty doorways fill my halls,
blank framed canvas, swing from nails
along my empty walls.

Rain against my window ledge,
it's echos on the glass,
paint peels from the roof of me,
and drifts off in the dark.

Leaky pipes and swinging lights,
punctuate my decay,
whispers of laughter, and sheer delight,
haunt me from far away.

Items lost from owners past,
are hidden deep inside,
one wardrobe full of memories,
fade, no where to hide.

Sweeping Floors

2008-12-04T13:37:00.002+09:00

Have you ever had the urge to run a broom across a clean floor, just to see how clean it really is? Does it surprise you that 90% of the time you will end up with a small pile of dirt at the end that was missed on the first pass?

That's how i feel right now, I'm sweeping the floors of myself to see what i find. Now I'm not doing this with one of those half arsed pansy soft bristles brooms, floors feel no sensation, so I'm pulling out the old industrial scrubbing broom. Now the risk of this is missing all of the fine things that slip through the bristles, but you will catch all of the large debris that could be more unsightly then a little grit between your bare feet. But then again, that's why you mop.

I am at a point right now where truth means a lot more to me then my self image, and when you start new, you get every opportunity to be truthful. But only if you have clean floors. So all the dirt of my past self, all the white lies, all the falsities and all the masks i wore to disguise myself, need to be swept away to leave me with an absolutely blank space in which to decorate with the new furniture of my life.

I have a new addition to my household, and i don't want them to see the squalor my old life was first hand. You always take before and after shots, especially if truth is the center piece in your dining room.
Inspired by a great love, i have taken said broom to the core of me and swept away everything that has held me back from who i want to be, and who i want to be for her. Now while i have been truthful to the point of being foolish with her, there are still things i hold back, things about myself i let no one see for fear of being judged to harshly. I took a big step last night, telling her one of my more personal insecurities, while not my biggest, it was definitely one of the harder to expose.
But the sense of relief at her acceptance has spurred me on to do this momentous task. It's not easy finding all the nooks and crannies that dust has filled over your lifetime, and sometimes no matter how hard you sweep, vacuum or mop.....the dirt just dosn't come up.

But i am determined to make my floors as cleen as i possibly can for my new found love, and we'll leave our shoes at the door, so we don't trek mud inside.

I have found someone.

2008-12-03T13:49:00.004+09:00

How do you describe a feeling you've never had? Can you compare it to like feelings? Can you even begin to nut out the intricate strings of emotions connected to this feeling without destroying it's uniqueness? Would you name it? Would you feel so foolish to call it something you think it is, just to realize that it's not at all like that? Would giving it a name, giving it a label, destroy it?

I don't know the answers to these questions, to me this feeling is so absolute that others fade into white noise at the edge of my reasoning, drowned in the all encompassing presence of this new entity. With the realization that what i feel could very well be something that no one else could describe to me in kind. Everyone may feel it the same, or everyone may be different, i know how it feels to me, but my words do not. To me.....it is truly Fathomless.

What has brought on such a strong upwelling of emotions / feelings? you may ask.
It's not a "what" it's a "who"

This person, who may or may not be named at a later date, was not always the instigator of my violent upwelling of this nameless cacophony of mixed emotions, but she is definitely it's focal point.
To call it love would cheapen it's grandeur, although it would be the closest thing to it. It is so much broader yet focused at the same time..... it engulfs every vision of her i have in a pristine bubble of what ever this fathomless feeling is.

You're probably asking yourself, or me....what makes her so special? What is it about her that would trigger this influx? That my friend, is an even more insurmountable task then describing the aforementioned. To pick one or two things specifically about her would leave me with a feeling of having neglected the multitude of other wonderful attributes, quirks, perfections, flaws and enigmas that make her this wonderful person. I burn to log every detail of her character, to trace my fingers at the frayed edges of my perceived perfection of her to find the flaws that make her real.....after all, perfection without flaw is nothing more then singing a beautiful note, while singularly exquisite, the glossy veneer of it would fade into monotony after a handful of minutes.

This person is the most beautiful i have ever had the honor of sharing a space in time with, physically, emotionally and intellectually.
Just a heartbeat of moments with her send me reeling for hours, a dopey boyhood grin refuses to vacate my face as i wander around aimlessly.... waiting, longing for our next encounter.
I go to sleep at night with a pang of fear, fear that when i wake up, such a person could never exist in my reality.... but forever to my extreme joy, she greets me when i wake.... "Hello Tiger, I missed you while you slept". My heart forgets to beat at the sound of her voice, the look of her face as i adjust to a new day of falling even further into my fathomless bliss.

Some people say they have no regrets, that if they could....they wouldn't change a thing. Well i would.....i regret not knowing her sooner. There have been ample opportunities to do so, but in my ignorant bliss i failed to see the fire from the smoke as she drifted so formlessly about me for so long. But maybe to change that would change everything.....and hence what i feel, so yes, i have no regrets, and i wouldn't change a thing in this world if it meant losing her.

She is more to me then love, more to me then anything else that you could possibly spell out on a post it note. What i feel for her is truly fathomless and i just can't get enough.